MY FIRST BICYCLE

I was 6 years old when my thoughtful father brung me a full size 2 wheel bicycle to the farm. 
What made him think a "full size" bicycle would make a great birthday present.
Shoot, I weren't tall enough to look over the handle bars, much less ride that big sucker.
I reckon he was think'n since I was in school, I was a grown man. Some dads know nothing. 
Well, the big boys started "butter'n up" to me so's they could "borrow" my new shiny ride.
They rode my bicycle round and round the house. Then they was rid'n it out in the road. 
They begun to show me how to ride that thing. I was perched up there on the seat, my feet no where's
close to ground. They pushed me round the yard while I steered. 
Then they turn me loose, do'n bout 90mph and I slam into one them wood fences.
I never rode that thing again and don't remember ever see'n it again.

PIGS SAY "OINK"

The school house was a 3 mile walk from the farm if ya cut across a couple other farms. 
There weren't no roads 'cross them farms, so's ya had to make a path through every kind briar brush you can imagine. 
But this is bout what a pig says. 
The teacher lady was a big lady. She had all us little kids skeered of her. 
She was mean and put fear in everyone with her "course" voice. 
When she spoke, ya listen.
One day, just out'a the blue, she decided us kids was gonna make farm animal sounds.
My God, why? After all, we was farmer kids.
Wouldn't ya know it, out all them farm animals, I was chose to make a pig sound.
A pig sound? What was this woman think'n?
She weren't deal'n with no ordinary child. 
I was a stubbern little cuss and I weren't gonna do noth'n I didn't wanna.
I was stand'n up there in front of everyone, pranc'n round like I gotta pee, look'n at the floor and yarn'n to go home.
She threaten me with clean'n the blackboard for a week, what I agreed to.
No "oink".
Then she threaten me to be "waste basket" boy for a week, what I agreed to.
No "oink".
She threaten me with everything no little farmer boy gonna wanna do, but I still agreed. 
As longs as I don't gotta make that old pig sound.
Nope, weren't no way I was gonna be say'n "Oink" in front them "giggl'n" little girls.
Them girls, what was giggl'n and laugh'n, was mak'n me feel down right uncomfortable. 
That was when she make her final offer.
A whoop'n, right there in front everyone, with that big willer switch what she love so much.
With tears in my eyes, all red face, I congered up a little whisper....
"oink"
That when them nasty little girls broke out in hillarious laughter whiles I crawled back to my desk.
 

BROKE SHIRT
 

It was freez'n cold outside when we was off to school in a blister'n snow storm. 
I was wrapped up in one them store bought red snow suits look'n like a little butter ball. 
My goulashes was all buckled up and I could hardly walk. But run I could.
I was a run'n fool, what with chas'n all them critters and stuff.
Well, I cut off 'cross that yard, arms a frail'n, when I come up on all them froze cloths hang'n on the line. 
I punch one them shirts, as I pass by. "Kapow", I knock a big hole right in it.
Moms was all flustered that I would beat up a shit for no reason, so's my desert was give to that old ugly dog.
Reminds me the time, as a full growed adult, I set a bath towel on fire. 
Done that with a 50 caliber black powder pistol with a double load.
I guess, ya live, ya learn.
 

SCHOOL SHOW OFF

I learn't real quick that if ya wanna impress them cute little girls, ya had to show off by be'n dangerous.
Well, I done knowed how to be dangerous, so's I was half way there. 
Ole Tom Sawyer thought he was impress'n Becky when he climbed up on that fence. 
I'm bet'n he ain't never jump outa a rope swing....down hill into a big old bush.
Or eat a bologna and mater sandwich in 2 bites.
When it come time for recess, I run round that play ground scream'n and holler'n obsinities, whiles
them little girls was'a giggl'n and watch'n my every move. 
I were a celebrity in hand me down bibs and hi top lace up shoes.